Every good story has a good villain. Alfred Hitchcock said, "The more successful the villain, the more successful the picture." I grew up on comics, and one of my favorite villains has been the Joker. The character is fascinating, and compliments the brooding nature of Batman so well. A good villain is someone you love to hate, and another villain that comes to mind is Joffrey from Game of Thrones. That character was so well played, he made rooting for the Starks intense at times. Almost everyone likes Darth Vader, another character study that has lasted the test of time. Without a villain, a story is dull; you can even make the argument that a story is meaningless.
I will give the disclaimer that this blog may not be for everyone. If it isn't for you, I hope you consider yourself lucky! Some of the hardest lessons I have had to learn in my lifetime have come from acceptance concepts that I use in my counseling with others (yes, we counselors are human, and life happens to us too, and we too have to cope!). I have decided to write about the toughest lesson to date; I am continuing to accept that I am the villain in another person's story. This road of realization and acceptance is several years worth of a journey, and I will start with what acceptance is in the first place. Acceptance, in its simplest form, is simply acknowledging what is. The age old adage "It is what it is" is an annoying representation of this concept. Acceptance is often mistaken for having to say that something is 'ok', or that something has to become 'good', and neither of these things are true. There are some things that happen to people that will never be good or ok. Let's use a natural disaster as an example; to accept that a tornado has destroyed my home will never require me to be in a place to say that this is "ok" or "good". I never have to be ok with that fact, but I do have to realize and acknowledge that it happened. This concept becomes increasingly difficult to work with when I counsel those that are suffering from trauma. We tend to suffer more when we attempt to avoid an uncomfortable reality or pretend that a nasty truth doesn't exist.
In some ways, I avoided the uncomfortable reality that I am not going to have the image that I think I deserve in another person's mind. The more that I fought the villain role, the more I suffered. This person never saw my point of view, this person never acknowledged what I knew to be true, and this person did not allow me to be a part of the supporting cast in their story. According to that person's story to others, I am the bad guy. No matter what I said, I would not be able to change their mind. I worried about what others would think about me. I was angry about the twisted truths, the narrative that was false about situations that this person and I were engaged in at one point, and I actually lost sleep thinking about the injustices that were hurled my way throughout the years. My suffering came from trying so hard to correct this view of who this person thinks I am and what I meant when I said things to this person. My suffering came from attempting to make the case that I am not the villain I was being made out to be. It didn't matter, because every good story has a good villain. And for this other person, I needed to be the villain in their story.
I did a lot of reflecting on why I needed to be kept in the villain role in this person's story. I'll acknowledge up front that I do not know any of this for sure, and is strictly speculation. Perhaps this person was on their own journey of recognizing their own dysfunctional behaviors and choices, and struggle with their own consequences. Perhaps recognizing that they are the one in the wrong is too painful to deal with, and passing that pain to me in the form of making me the villain in their story appeases these intense emotions. Or perhaps this person has come to believe the twisted narrative that has been spun to this point, and no amount of evidence will be able to dissuade this person from changing the story. Perhaps this person is conveniently leaving out important parts of our prior history to maintain relationships in their life. Honestly, the possibilities are endless.
This isn't to say that I've never made mistakes, or that I wish I could do some things differently; I am human and I make mistakes just like anyone else. But our relationship is so oppositional now, that it has started impacting mutual people in our lives. It was a long process to come to the place where none of those speculations mattered. I was suffering by trying so hard to escape the villain role in this story. My peace came from the place of allowing this to be reality; I am the villain in this person's story. My perspectives, my opinions, my actions, my decisions will be filtered through malicious intent with this person. And I can't change that, no matter how hard I try, so I have accepted that this is my reality for now. But accepting that does not mean I am the villain in anyone else's story! And this realization and acceptance has reduced my suffering. I don't have to try and correct their perspective; it wouldn't work anyway. I am free from worry, from anger, from sadness because 'it is what it is". It has become what it has become, and I cannot control that person's narrative about me. As a result of the reduced suffering, my emotional state has shifted from anxiety, anger and worry to calm, peace and contentment. My behaviors have shifted from trying to control something that I have no control over to focusing on who is in front of me, and the people that I love. I have also reduced contact with this person, which has only increased my peace. My thoughts and cognitions have also been affected, as I no longer ruminate, catastrophize or worry. This is certainly easier to write about than it is to actually do, and this blog should be viewed as the culmination of several years of a hard and painful process.
So how do you accept something that you do not want to accept? Be willing to first approach the thoughts or beliefs you have about the situation you are avoiding. Stop running from uncomfortable truths. That first step is always the hardest, and I can promise you that everything after that becomes simpler to deal with. Notice that I offered 'simpler' and not easier, because being able to view what you can and cannot control in a situation truly makes things a little simpler to understand, though the struggle may not at all be easy. The longer you sit with a reality, the quicker it is to acknowledge its existence, and thus marks the beginning of your healing. Remind yourself that you are not required to like anything about the situation to practice acceptance, and that some situations will never have to be labeled good or ok to practice acceptance. Learning to approach and sit with uncomfortable truths actually allows you to sort out what your responsibilities are in the situation; you can't even get to problem solving if you deny that a problem exists! Also remember that just because someone views you as the villain certainly does not actually make you a villain.
If something is too overwhelming to admit to yourself, find support and help. Loved ones you trust, professional help, faith leaders, supportive family members are all likely willing to help you. Take breaks, acceptance is a process and cannot be completed in an evening. And remember to be kind to yourself; you are human, life can be hard and we all get tired on the journey. I hope this blog has been helpful in realizing that you can find peace in a difficult situation, and that you have more autonomy in your storms than you might think!
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