"I can't believe this is happening. Again. I don't get how anyone can vote for Trump."
"I am having SUCH a good day today! I feel like we are about to get our nation back and a lot of people are having a hard time dealing with it!"
"I couldn't even go to work on November 6. I had to take some time off, and I didn't want to be around any of my co-workers. It's hard to know that they might have voted against my best interests."
"It's time to fix all the damage that's been done in the last 4 years. I don't think the liberals understand what Biden has done to the country."
Chances are, as you read those statements to yourself, some kind of emotional reaction emerged. Our nation has seen some of the most contentious U.S. elections in history in this last decade. In fact, some evidence suggests that our society has been polarizing in many different ways since the last few elections. A Pew Research Center study in 2020 found that "80% of Americans now have 'just a few' or 'no friends at all' [who share values with people from] across the aisle". This percentage increased dramatically since the 2016 election. It is highly likely that you know people who appear to align very deeply with Republican or Democratic viewpoints these days.
I have the opportunity and the privilege of trying to create meaningful relationships with people, in the hopes that these relationships heal and elicit change. Often times, when an individual in counseling feels strong enough to be vulnerable in session, meaningful change does occur. The aforementioned quotes are examples of statements made by my clients in the last week or so after the election results. Election 2024 has been a topic brought up in nearly every one of my sessions since November 6. You can hear the polarizing effects when you read those comments. You may even relate strongly to some of those comments, and not much to others. The reality is, this election cycle might feel like much is at stake for you, our community and our country. Gone are the days that we can have civil discourse about our disagreements it would seem. We have unfortunately found ourselves holding political tension heading into the holiday season, which is a season characterized by family gatherings. Holidays have been historically hard for many of my clients, as some come from dysfunctional family systems, while others may come from abusive and hostile family systems. The idea of getting together with members from these dysfunctional or hostile systems (under the pretense that these family systems are functional) is a difficult idea to navigate. And this is ON TOP OF carrying the stress of the potential politics talk with uncle so-and-so or grandma this-and-that into the Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays. It's become an exhausting thought for many.
I came across a clip from a child psychiatry fellow (who also teaches at a prominent university in America) being interviewed on a major news network recently. The topic being discussed was how to navigate political conversations during the holidays, and this individual was essentially advocating for the shunning of relationships in a family, especially if they voted a certain way. "So, if you are going through a situation where you have family members or you have close friends who, you know, have voted in ways that are against you, that are against your livelihood, then it's completely fine to not be around those people, and to tell them why. To say, I have a problem with the way that you voted because it went against my very livelihood, and I'm not going to be around you this holiday, I need to take some space for me." It should go without being said, but I want to make myself very clear before I make some points in this blog; I AM NOT advocating for you to consider maintaining abusive relationships. I do not advocate to keep relationships with people that are physically, emotionally or sexually abusive in your life. I have always tried to empower people in my life (family, friends and clients alike) to do something about the abuse, whether it be reporting it, leaving the relationship or demanding change if the relationship is not dangerous. However, voting for a different candidate than you is not abuse. Ridiculing or intentionally shaming someone with derogatory words for who they voted for, can be abusive. And both sides are guilty of this. I disagree with what the psychiatry fellow is suggesting here, and I think that the path to healing our families, our communities, and hopefully our nation, is through fostering healthy relationships with one another. Conflict and disagreement is natural in healthy relationships, and learning how to resolve conflict and disagreements is paramount to maintaining healthy relationships.
Now, I am no politician. I am not an expert on policy, politics or government. I certainly have my political views, but this blog is not meant to be about politics. I am a mental health professional, one who cares very deeply about relationships, and am offering ideas and ways to strengthen or maintain healthy relationships in your life when it comes to navigating difficult conversations, like politics during the upcoming holiday season. The following suggestions are meant for you to reflect on before heading into Thanksgiving and Christmas, with the intention to begin a much needed healing process in our communities.
Healthy connections with others can heal. Dr. Amy Banks, author of "Four Ways to Click", cited research studies highlighting the many health benefits that healthy relationships can have on individuals: lower instances of cancer, better cardiovascular health, reduced risk of pre-mature death and better overall health during the mid-life years. These findings are extremely fascinating, considering that the results for many of these studies remained consistent even after the researchers controlled for family history of cancer, heart disease, and other issues that impact physical health! Dr. Banks also identified that the human nervous system registers the sensation of isolation and rejection as THE SAME signal as physical pain or injury. Research on the social distancing policies enacted during the COVID-19 pandemic are beginning to unveil the devastating impact lockdowns have had on the mental health of our communities. Simply put, isolation and rejection in our relationships truly does hurt. However, if it is true that disconnection in the form of isolation or rejection from others can feel like harm to us, it is also true that healthy connections with others can help us heal and improve our overall wellbeing.
With the upcoming holidays looming, thinking about spending time with family members that believe differently than you can be challenging, uncomfortable or might even feel painful. I would like to offer a suggestion, which would in theory and in practice, help begin the healing process in our communities. I hope that people reading this blog would chose to engage in this exercise. Carefully consider all the relationships you have in your family. There must be at least one individual that you feel the closest to, that you can have an honest and open conversation with, who might have voted differently than you. If you really gave it some thought, there has to be a cousin, an aunt, a grandparent, someone that you can approach and foster a relationship with, whom might have voted differently than you. There has got to be one person that you would feel the most comfortable with, to be able to approach and have a vulnerable conversation with, for the express purpose of learning and connecting with despite political differences. I challenge you to approach this family member with humility, and to learn to talk to them about your viewpoints, or to ask them questions and be genuinely curious about theirs. Practicing with a trusted individual can be the start of developing a skill set to help you learn to have conversations with those you disagree with. Who knows, other family members might even see what is happening and follow your lead. This suggestion is not recommended for just anyone in your family though, and is instead intended to get you to reflect on, and carefully consider who you can approach with your vulnerability. Feel free to share this blog with them as an icebreaker! Being willing to foster a relationship with someone from 'across the aisle' can have an impact on your mental and emotional health during this holiday season. The reality is, some of our loved ones may be suffering emotionally because of election results. Regardless of what you believe about this suffering, our loved ones and family deserve healthy connections with others, despite political differences.
We have to intend to be dialectical with others. I once held a certification in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). The word "dialectical" comes from several different words, but the French word dialecte, which means "denoting the art of investigating the truth of opinions", is one of my favorites. There are 'kernels of truth' in everyone's subjective experiences and beliefs, according to DBT. The philosophy of DBT is to help clients learn to hold seemingly oppositional truths together, to better manage their emotions and improve their relationships with others. The analogy I use with clients when working on holding this kind of mental space is the following; imagine that you have a puppy that you and your family has fallen in love with. Imagine the joy that this puppy brings to you and your family over the span of a few months, as you've developed a bond with the pet and welcomed her in with open arms. However, it has become increasingly difficult to manage the puppy, due to long work hours or busy schedules, leaving the puppy isolated and alone throughout the day. The puppy begins to suffer, and you have to make the difficult decision to adopt the puppy out. The day finally arrives where the new family comes to your home to take in their newest member, and a wave of emotions hit you as you lock eyes with the puppy one last time as she is being carried out of the door. It is possible that you can feel sad (that your puppy is no longer with you) and happy (that the puppy will get the love and attention it needs) in that particular moment in time. This is a small example of how it is possible to hold a space where two seemingly oppositional feelings (or beliefs) can exist together, and has implications for many areas of our life. This type of therapy is designed to help clients cope with difficult circumstances, and to reduce the suffering one experiences. Dialectics is the very concept that we must bring to the table when interacting with others; it is possible that someone could have voted for the candidate we least liked and still be a good person, of whom is worth having a healthy relationship with. Our loved ones can possess good traits and have voted differently from us!
Our political views are highly complex. The reality is, we are complex people. Truly understanding our own behaviors and emotions requires us to view them from the lens of context. Any competent mental health professional knows about the importance of context when understanding human behavior, which is why therapy takes time. Our political views are no different; Americans are more diverse than our two-party political system would suggest. A quick thought exercise might be helpful here, to bring two of the points I am trying to make in this blog come together; consider the article I referenced in the introduction of this blog about our nation polarizing in their political views. Now consider what I just offered with Americans having diverse political opinions. If two seemingly opposite things can be true at once, how can our nation be polarized AND diverse?! Working an answer out requires us to be willing to hold both of these observations together, and to apply some critical thinking. Perhaps one answer is that a binary system (like Republican versus Democrat) is not robust enough to capture the complexity of our political views. We have been siloed into choosing one of two candidates, and it is plausible that our highly complex set of political viewpoints have been watered down, forcing us to see our opposition in an all-or-nothing, black-and-white perspective. We call this perfectionistic thinking, which is a thinking pattern that traps a great deal of my clients into anxiety and depression. This type of thinking pattern prevents individuals from operating in a gray-scale form of thinking, one that allows for complexity of thought and helps us avoid oversimplifying things, or people in this example. It is highly likely that many of your friends and family members hold complex political views, and may not directly line up with every single talking point of either party. It takes discipline and intentionality to have difficult conversations and understand our neighbors within context, especially with those you may disagree with.
To add to the problem, algorithms on some social media platforms "exploit anger to drive engagement. Platforms benefit from keeping users active, regardless of whether the interaction is positive or negative." Extreme and controversial political content is being used to elicit highly emotional responses (outrage and anger) to keep users returning to the services. This might explain why our country seems to be polarizing in our political views, when in all reality, the vast majority of Americans might hold more complex views than we may realize, and not exactly align across the board with either political party candidate. It might be easy to assume that the fringe beliefs so rampant and controversial on social media might be the common beliefs of our loved ones across the aisle, all of which may very well be by design.
We MUST choose to see the humanity of those we disagree with. I noticed that one of the tactics deployed in many of the political races was the attempt to de-humanize the opposition. We are slowly and systematically moving away from viewing opponents, or those that voted differently than us, as sub-human. "Dehumanization is a psychological process whereby opponents view each other as less than human and thus not deserving of moral consideration." Think about the terms that are floating around right now. Garbage. Snowflake. Deplorable. Libtard. These terms are slowly taking the humanity away from our family, friends and neighbors. And when you truly think about it, this process is necessary when preparing for warfare. Some of the worst atrocities in human history (think Holocaust) has been committed against people groups shortly after populations were dehumanized. I want to be clear and careful here as well; I am not comparing the name calling currently going on in our culture to a lead up to something like the Holocaust. I am simply trying to point out that de-individuation is occurring (when we stop viewing people as individuals and instead view them as a part of a group or category), which is a step toward de-humanization. The last thing our society needs is the de-humanization of an opposing political party! In order for our families, our neighborhoods, our communities and ultimately our nation to heal, we have to take steps away from de-individuation and de-humanization, and be willing to view the humanity, the dignity and the respect that each of us deserve as a fellow human. Even if we disagree with them.
I truly believe that our nation can heal relationally, despite the angry political landscape we have found ourselves in, though it may truly be years of hard work. I believe that much of that healing is an individual responsibility, and not that of our government (no matter who is in charge). Much of this individual responsibility is born from a place of empathy and compassion for our loved ones that think differently than us, and a great desire to be intentional about creating peace in our families and our immediate communities. This individual responsibility is a heavy burden though, and takes the effort of a collective of individuals to truly see change occur in our families and communities. I do not believe that the answer to healing our nation involves disconnection from others who think or vote differently than us. I hope the ideas and concepts in this blog are helpful to reflect on, and that you would be willing to share this with your loved ones or the audience you might have on social media.
"The greatness of a community is most accurately measured by the compassionate actions of its members." - Coretta Scott King
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