Apply the Sunscreen; Navigating a Toxic Environment

Our vacations to the beach are very different between my wife and I. I tend to get darker and don't really burn, while my wife has to be careful. One of the worst burns resulted in a few days of laying in bed and applying gratuitous amounts of aloe on her skin; I even had to help at times, as it was painful for her to move! My wife has a family history of skin cancer, while my family does not. She has to apply sunscreen liberally at times, to protect her from an illness that could possibly take her life one day. Meanwhile, I go out into the sun care-free and ready to get a base tan for the summer, without applying much.

The interesting thing about this scenario, is that we are both in the same environment, but this environment doesn't impact each of us the same. The sun's rays are equally harsh on her as they are on me, and yet only one of us needs to make adjustments and prepare accordingly. It's not fair! I am certainly speaking for my wife, as she has to be more conscientious about being on the beach during our vacations than I do. Sure, she can fight reality and not take the time and preparation to protect herself (I'll ashamedly admit like I do) and make life easier on herself for now, but the truth is, the environment's detrimental effects on her skin might eventually catch up to her.

We can find ourselves in harsh environments quite often these days. This blog was written just a few short months after the holiday season of 2024-2025, and the election for the 47th President of the United States was the hot topic for many households from October through January. There has certainly been a flurry of news since Trump took office, and our nation continues to experience turmoil no matter what side of the isle you find yourself on. I found myself needing to take a break from social media, as I was bombarded daily with story after story, and commentary after commentary. It's enough to make one's head spin. Even though I am using the current political climate as the parallel in my sunscreen analogy here, I hope that the following ideas and suggestions help you navigate harsh environments in general moving forward; environments like family gatherings, difficult workplace scenarios, online spaces, strained relationships or friendships, or community events. We will find ourselves in a hostile environment at some point or another these days, and there does not seem to be any indication that it will slow down.

There is an uncomfortable truth about being in a harsh environment; there is a matter of personal responsibility for each us, and that responsibility is different from person to person. My wife gets to choose how long she stays in the sun. In many of the harsh environments we find ourselves in, we do have a choice, or set of choices, that we can make. William Glasser is the psychiatrist who helped developed Choice Theory, which influenced the development of Reality Therapy. He said "it is almost impossible for anyone, even the most ineffective among us, to continue to choose misery after becoming aware that it is a choice". You might wonder how someone can choose misery, and one simple answer to that question might be this; choosing to avoid making a decision is still making a decision. Essentially, you are choosing to do nothing about your misery, thereby choosing to remain in misery. Sure, there may be things that are out of your control in certain hostile environments, but there is always an element of choice and personal responsibility in our lives.

"But I need this job John, you just don't understand!" You are still making the decision to stay in the job you have, and not entertain other ideas.

"I didn't ask for any of this to happen to me!" You have a choice to move forward in any way you see fit, or to stay stuck. You have the choice to seek professional help, to do it on your own or to do nothing about it.

We might not be able to control being in a toxic environment, but we can control the actions we take while in that environment. I hope the following ideas give you a sense of agency when needing to be in a harsh environment in your life. We are not unwilling or unwitting participants in most of the circumstances in our life, and once you recognize that you always have a choice, life might be a little simpler for you (though maybe not easier).

Use coping (sunscreen). Sunscreen protects skin from the sun's harmful rays. In the same way, using coping skills can protect your mental and emotional health from the toxic effects while being in a hostile environment. Meditation, deep breathing and relaxation exercises help the brain and the body to calm down, inducing healing theta waves. Theta waves are present during deep relaxation, and being in a theta state is associated with improved learning and memory, creativity and intuition. It takes these kinds of brain resources to be able to navigate a hostile environment, like politics on social media. There are other forms of coping as well; listening to your favorite music can help calm the brain, exercise can help with stress and make you feel relaxed at night, lowering your body temperature can induce a relaxed feeling and engaging in hobbies or fun activities is also helpful. If you have to navigate a stressful or toxic environment, it would make sense to apply protection (coping skills) while engaging in that environment if you can. Choose to engage in calming or relaxation exercises before you enter a toxic environment. It would also make sense to reapply the sunscreen in extended periods of being in a harsh environment, and you should be intentional about monitoring this practice when you decide to remain in the harsh environment. The beautiful thing about deep breathing skills is that you can use them at any point throughout the day; you always have access to that skill! Simply put, when being in a toxic environment, you have to be intentional about your own health there, whether you choose to use skills before, during or after; your own health and wellbeing is your own responsibility and no one else's.

Take breaks. It seems that our human nature pushes most of us to seek the last word. As such, fights often last longer than they need to or should, and I believe this phenomena is even worse online. The truth is, bad news and conflict sells, and it’s been demonstrated that online content sent to your feed is engineered to make you upset, or present you with radical views or content that much of the population doesn’t even believe. Being on social media, checking news feeds, feeling compelled to keep up with politics can create the sense of being in a toxic environment in your life. This can be true with hostile work environments, family get-togethers and so on. My wife should be taking breaks from being in the sun. The sun will not change, and this is unfortunately true of the internet! I've heard it said that the internet never sleeps, never dies, and always wins. There is so much unhealthy discourse, viewpoints and stress when being online (particularly when engaging in political conversations), and there is no indication of this changing anytime soon. Taking breaks is extremely important when managing your mental and emotional health while engaging in a harsh environment. I lift weights, and in all the training and research that I have done to make sure that I exercise appropriately, anyone worth their salt as a trainer will tell you of the importance of a good rest period in between sets, and during the week. Resting is vital to building muscle, because that is when healing and recovery occur. Taking a break as needed, when engaging in difficult circumstances, is important to maintain your health to promote mental and emotional healing and recovery. Our culture is geared towards a fast pace, to continue to achieve and to avoid stopping. Taking a breather is sometimes viewed as weakness, however I'd argue that learning pace and taking breaks is a sign of strength. It takes strength to acknowledge your limitations. You can't do it all. You can't navigate it all, which leads me to my last point.

Pick your battles wisely. “This is a hill I am willing to die on!” This is a popular adage, a metaphor for describing a topic or a cause that is so important to an individual, that they would be willing to give up tremendous emotional, cognitive and even time and financial resources to effect change or defend. Here’s another truth that’s uncomfortable; you can’t die on multiple hills. You might be able to defend a few, but you can't defend them all. Not only is it true literally, I have found this to be emotionally true in my life. Attempting to engage in so many worthy causes came at such a high cost to my time, energy and health. Considering our political climate, there is a ton of discussion about policy, culture and morality. I have often had clients come in to session wanting to discuss current events, as it has an impact on their anxiety, depression and mood. Many of us want to see change in our nation and in our culture, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. However, I have more influence on the culture in my home than I do of the culture in my community. I have more influence on the policy in my home and in my small business than I do in the state of North Dakota or our nation. I am not trying to say that I should give up on political matters, but choosing where to focus and where to spend my energy and resources is an extremely important personal decision and responsibility. This is the reason it is important to vote! I had to accept the fact that, unless I decided to run for office and attempt to affect change that way, I can only do so much with my vote. Perhaps there are important social, moral or political issues to you; I am not telling you to give up on that. What I am saying, is that taking inventory of where you are spending your energy is an extremely important task in your self-care. You can’t do it all. You can’t fight it all. You’ve got to pick which hill you are willing to die on, which hills you will try to defend and which hills you are going to have to surrender. Please know that these hills can change throughout your life too. There is nothing or no one that can tell you where to spend your energy, and you get to choose which cause (or causes) you are willing to spend your energy and resources, even if those hills do change as you get older, wiser and priorities shift.

In conclusion, remember that you have a choice in the matter. You get to choose how long you stay in a hostile or harsh environment, you get to choose how you need to cope with the stress or when to take breaks. You get to choose what you say yes to and what you say no to. You get to choose what fights to pick, and which ones to gracefully let go of. I hope these ideas and analogies have been helpful, to get you to examine how you would like to engage with the difficult environments you'll inevitably find yourself in at some point in your life. Be well!