Being a Man

I went back and forth about blogging on this topic for June of 2025; it happened to be Father's Day when I decided to start writing this on my back patio, enjoying the cool weather and watching my youngest son play. He is searching for baby rabbits that ran behind our shed, his innocent curiosity piqued by these adorable creatures. June happens to be Men's Mental Health Awareness month. It also happens to be the month of my birthday, and my oldest son's birthday. He turned 18 yesterday, and I have been reflecting on this topic for much of the week.

For whatever reason, my wife and I have been tasked to raise 4 men. You read that right, men. Often times, people will say they are raising kids or children (boys in my case), but the reality is, a parent is tasked with raising healthy adults. Healthy adults are people that can contribute to their families and society in positive ways, people that have the potential to change the world. This calling is an awesome responsibility my wife and I honor and cherish, and don't take lightly. And if I am going to be candid, being a parent is not for everyone.

It's time to talk about the mental health of men. We have an epidemic of absent fathers in America. According to the Pew Research Center, the U.S. has the highest percentage of children under the age of 18 that live with one parent and no other adult (23%), which is more than 3 times the share of children around the world who live with one parent (7%). It is estimated that 80% of these single parent homes are led by mothers. As of 2022, some data indicates approximately 18.3 million children live without a father in the home. Men are missing from these family units.

If you'll allow me, I'll continue to be candid; it's super easy to be a father. You have sex with a woman, which is usually fun, and if you are not using contraception (for a variety of different reasons I'll acknowledge), that woman may get pregnant and that's about as much biologically most guys would need to do to father a child. It's not easy being a dad though, and I want to make the distinction between the two words I chose to use. For the sake of simplicity, a father is a male parent. A dad on the other hand, takes on the roles and responsibilities of raising adults. I truly believe that I have stepped up to be a dad in my kids' lives. I try to surround myself with other men that choose to do so as well. So what does it mean these days, to raise young men? What does it mean to be a man? I have wrestled with this question for quite some time, and I'll admit, this is something I am continuing to refine. I've learned a lot about being a man by being a dad, and paying attention to others, like my own dad, my father-in-law and other men that have taken a fatherly figure in my life. I'd like to share with you how I define what being a man means.

While I think that being a man has many traits, the one that sticks out to me the most, and is the focus of this blog, is responsibility. This is one of the most important traits I am trying to cultivate in my sons.

A man is responsible, and has responsibilities.

A boy tends to be irresponsible. A boy is immature. Continuing to be candid, we have a lot of boys running around these days. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that I am saying the opposite about women, or that being responsible is only a man's trait. This blog is not a comparison of being a man and being a woman. This blog is not about womanhood. This blog is not about diving into the gender/culture war; this blog is about sharing how we are defining masculinity in my household, and highlighting some of the ideals we are choosing to raise our sons with, which I am simply trying to share with you. Please take what you like, and leave what you don't. I believe part of being a man means being responsible in a few different ways, and they are as follows.

A man is responsible with his emotions. Our society continues to teach this 'alpha male, lone wolf' mentality. I don't agree with it, and I don't buy it. In fact, new research on wolf packs suggest that the alpha male in its traditional sense does not exist in the wild. The terms 'alpha' and 'beta' used to describe wolf pack hierarchy came from studies of wolves in captivity. The authors of the study make the argument that describing 'alpha' behavior of wolves in captivity as translating to the behavior of wolves in the wild, is like making generalizations about human behavior by studying the behavior of humans in prison. Interestingly enough, the leader of the wolf pack is a breeding pair, a father and a mother! Wolves in the wild operate in a group, and there is no such structure as a lone leader, or a dominating force keeping everyone in line.

The truth of the matter is, men have emotions. That's a part of being human. You are supposed to be scared when something scary happens, you are supposed to be sad when something sad happens, you are supposed to hurt when you feel rejected and so on. All too often, I counsel men who seem to fall back to one emotion; anger. And this makes a ton of sense to me. Nobody likes feeling sad, scared or anxious. These feelings have a tendency to make one feel powerless at times, and anger can put us right back in the driver's seat when we feel powerless. Did you know that with men in particular, anger can be a sign or symptom of depression? Being a man means you are responsible with your emotions, and constantly stuffing your emotions is irresponsible. Yeah, I said it. If your only form of coping is stuffing your emotions, that is not virtuous, it is irresponsible. No one gains anything when a boy stuffs his emotions and becomes angry. Angry boys tend to fight more, are aggressive, make tons of mistakes and can be destructive. Boys need healthy mechanisms to identify and express their emotions, and be comfortable with them. A man is able to identify their hurt, pain, insecurities and fears, can articulate them well enough, and can do something with those emotions responsibly. I am not saying that men should never stuff their feelings; there certainly is a time and place when I have to suck it up and commit to the tasks that is in front on me. This approach cannot be my only go to though, nor is it a value that I want to instill in my sons. I cannot be a victim or be lead by my emotions. Self-control is a virtue worth pursuing, and self-control absolutely involves control over one's own emotions. An unhealthy relationship with your emotions leads to unhealthy choices and behaviors, and I believe it is a rite of passage for a boy to transition into being a man when they are able to learn to have a healthy relationship with their emotions and avoid solely turning to anger or stoicism.

A man is responsible with his power. As a superhero nerd, I hear this point and inevitably think of the infamous advice Uncle Ben gave to Peter Parker (Spider-man); "with great power comes great responsibility". Men have the potential to be powerful. Our bones have the density and strength to support muscles that can help us lift heavy objects and do hard things. Males naturally have higher levels of testosterone, which is a natural steroid and is responsible for the development of male sex characteristics and traits. Testosterone plays a role in aggressive behavior, and one such form of aggressive behavior can be competition. Competition can certainly be healthy and unhealthy. The physical advantages men have may account (though there are certainly other factors as well) for the overwhelming presence in physically demanding blue collar jobs, like construction; in fact 90% of the construction workforce is made up of men. I once heard an adage that has stuck with me about the potential power of men; "it is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener at war". I choose to train to be able to be capable of great violence, but this needs to be tempered with self-control (see my first point). I train by keeping my body in shape through exercise and weight lifting. I train through martial arts like Taekwondo (I'm hoping to get into Jiu Jitsu at some point). I am also trying to be proficient at the weapons I own, namely my firearms. What is the reason for the training? To harness my power for good. To be prepared to protect that which matters most to me; my wife, my kids and my home. Men tend to be naturally aggressive, and sports, healthy competition and exercise are great ways to express that aggression. But aggression can be destructive too. A man finds healthy ways to express their aggression.

Please don't get me wrong here; my wife can absolutely take care of herself. She can throat punch someone if she needs to and then figure out what we are having for dinner without batting an eye. My point is simply this; I would rather be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. A man uses their power to protect, to create, to empower those around them and to serve. A boy uses their power to intimidate, to control and destroy. I am instilling in my sons the value and ideal that a man protects his family not because they are weak, but because his family is precious and worth protecting, and a man should be responsible with his power.

A man is responsible for his choices. Humans make mistakes. Some mistakes can be costly. The difference between a boy and a man, in my humble opinion, is the willingness to be held accountable for his decisions. Boys try to get out of accountability. Boys pass the blame, or make excuses. Boys point the finger at everyone else but themselves. A man accepts the accountability that comes with his decisions, for better or for worse. A man understands that the decisions he needs to make carry weight and have consequences, also for better or for worse. When a man truly realizes that his choices matter, he doesn't take those choices lightly.

Men need to feel productive. They need to feel like they are contributing and providing. And there are more ways to provide than just monetarily. Men can provide safety and security. Men can provide affirmation and foster a sense of pride in their family. A lot of men I work with have lamented growing up without hearing "I am proud of you", "I respect you" or "You did a great job" from their fathers. This impacts a man's sense of worth and value, and often times, men bury themselves in work or producing to try to earn the pride and respect of their loved ones. Our fathers have a tremendous responsibility to impact our sense of self, and when fathers choose to withhold praise, respect and adoration, it affects their family. When fathers don't take accountability for their role in the family outside of being a financial provider, and choose to neglect household chores, it impacts the family. A man chooses to step up to responsibilities of running a household too; it takes more than just money to make a healthy home. It takes the active and engaged presence of a man to contribute to the health and wellness of a home, and of a community. You need only look at the research about fatherless homes to see the impact the presence or the absence of a healthy man can have in homes. And all of this is predicated on a man making responsible choices. A man is willing to be held accountable, to admit and to learn from his mistakes. A boy is looking to pass the blame or deflect. A man chooses to serve and to think of others; a boy thinks only of themselves.

I hope this blog has found you well, and has inspired you to think critically about the important role men play in our society. We need more men in the world and less boys, and I hope they way my wife and I are choosing to raise our sons contributes to that. Men, if something in this post resonated with you, please reach out to me, or reach out to someone, and talk about it. You matter, and our communities need healthy men!