The Gift

"Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely." - Buddha

I have counseled countless people who suffer from fear and anxiety. These emotions are a part of the human experience, and common to us all. That doesn't change how painful these emotions can be though! I'd like to share a story about a time I suffered from fear and anxiety. My Sebastian, the third oldest son that I have been blessed with, was only a few months old at the time. I'll never forget this day, or the lessons it's taught me since.

It was an evening like most others. I was heading to bed, and on my way, had heard a cough from his room. Thinking nothing of it at first, I quickly slipped into my pjs and rolled back my covers to enter sleepful bliss. For a split second, I stopped and thought about it.

"Hmm, that cough sounded a bit unusual. Should I check it out?"

"You're tired, he's probably fine, just go to bed."

"Maybe you're right. But what if..."

My fellow parents, I am certain you have been there before, having that quick dialogue in your head about a parenting decision. Ultimately, I chose to check on him, and boy was I extremely happy and terrified that I did; it is a complicated emotion that is still hard for me to describe. I found Sebastian laying on his back, swaddled, and vomit on his face, in his mouth and pooling beneath his neck. I quickly moved him to his side, and helped clear the airway. Jill came running in, and we held our boy for what seemed like hours to me. I had only one painful thought during that frozen moment in time..."what if I had not checked on him?!"

I wrestled with that thought for days afterward, to the point that I was unable to concentrate on anything and losing sleep. You can probably guess where this is headed; I was constantly checking on him at night, trying to avoid the next catastrophe. Trying to protect my Sebastian from harm. Trying to prevent his death.

Trying to prevent his death.

Fear is one of our primal instincts. Fear is a survival mechanism that keeps us alive, instilled in us from our very beginning. Anxiety can sometimes be seen as an offshoot of fear. At our core, we don't want to die. The thought of that is painful, especially painful when we think about the death of our loved ones. Fear of death is natural for us however. Death is an inevitability that we are on a collision course with, starting from the first day you and I were conceived. It is this unknown date we all have, that haunts us. And ironically, it might be the one thing that gives this life a sense of meaning and purpose too. Our realization of our mortality might be the greatest gift we've ever been given.

I came to the understanding that my days with Sebastian (and with my entire family and loved ones for that matter) are limited. Death will come for us, whether it be through suffocating on vomit, a car crash, combat, COVID-19 or even old age. And when I truly grasped and accepted this concept, life became much sweeter. Each moment much more precious. It allows me to focus on these moments. It gives me permission to engage with who is right in front of me. I obviously do not want anyone in my family to die, but I can't prevent that from happening! Life is a series of calculated risks, begging us to consider the rewards from those risks. It was this realization that helped me put my phone down, and engage with my sons, my wife and my loved ones. It's helped me filter out unnecessary tasks and hobbies in exchange for time and experiences with my family. Life will end. This realization highlighted what the most important aspects of life are for me. I recently had another reminder of these lessons, when a family member passed away in November in a car accident. Inserting myself into that particular scenario, I couldn't imagine saying goodbye to my wife in the morning, as she walked out of the door for the day, only to have her taken from me that afternoon and never seeing her alive again. The finality of that moment is excruciating to think about, much less to live through.

The hardest step in this journey, is the decision to stop running from the pain and fear of death, to turn toward it, and to truly embrace it. I know it was for me. It was painful to think about the end of my life, and worse yet, the end of the life of my loved ones. Especially when we don't know the date. The process of embracing death is not a quick nor an easy one. Embracing death sounds morbid and scary, but it is a risk worth taking, as the potential reward is a life with reduced fear and anxiety. A life with peace and calm. I'd have you return to the quote that I started this blog with; even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely! Erik Erikson suggested in his 8th and final stage of psychosocial development that we must resolve a crisis starting around the age of 65 up until our death, labeled "Ego Integrity vs. Despair." He suggested that we come to a place in our lifetime where we realize our mortality, look back at our accomplishments and either develop a sense of integrity or a sense of despair about how we spent our time on this earth. This stage is made possible by the realization of death as our inescapable reality. Interestingly enough, Erickson suggests that a successful resolution to this stage yields an important virtue; wisdom! It makes sense that we attempt to pass on this wisdom to the younger generation, in hopes that they listen and truly find their meaning and purpose in their life before it's too late. I don't think we have to wait until we are 65 and contemplating our life to develop this wisdom though. We can have it now, if we choose to look into the face of death and learn to embrace it!

There is a connection between the wisdom of accepting death and the reduction of fear and anxiety. The acceptance of our death can result in living with peace, developing the skill to be able to be present in those precious moments with your loved ones. It turns out, death may be the greatest gift to life.