FULL DISCLAIMER: this is not a how-to guide, so feel free to take what you like and leave what you don't!
It should go without saying these days, but 2020 can hurry up and end. There is no shortage of stress and turmoil, within our individual communities, our nation and the world. A pandemic, social justice/human rights issues, a contentious and polarizing presidency to name a few of the general issues we are facing together. The stress doesn't stop there though; 2020 has given me personal challenges as well, like maintaining my marriage, blending a family, raising 4 rambunctious boys with very different needs (requiring different parenting styles), delving into my studies toward my PhD, to name just a few. I am not writing this to speak to any of these issues, but to just simply share, from one person to another, what I have been doing to cope and to survive with these issues; I am hoping to put the boxing gloves down and just relate. I have been doing a lot of reflecting on what is keeping me afloat these days. I've narrowed it down to four key concepts that has given me perspective and has been my guide in developing patience and withstanding the constant barrage of stress that 2020 has shoved in my face.
PICK MY HILL TO DIE ON. We can only die once. So pick which hill you want to die on (metaphorically speaking). For me personally, it is my family and my faith. I choose to fight to the very end on that hill. As mentioned above, there are many, MANY noble causes to fight for. I fight for some of them. But I am not willing to lay down my life for all of them. It can get extremely overwhelming to put all of my energy into these causes, and I have found myself in a place where I feel stretched and pulled by the needs these causes inevitably have. People truly are hurting. People truly are dying. And people truly do need my help; our help. I have been involved in some of the community cleanup efforts after rioting. I have chosen to have difficult conversations with people about politics, religion, race and social injustice. But at the end of the day, I choose not to die on any of these hills. I choose my belief in God. My wife needs me, and my sons need me, just as much as I need them. The unique thing about choosing my faith as a hill to die on is that it gives me an opportunity to pour out some energy on the other issues, as mandated by my faith. So there is room to spend time and energy on social issues, policy and so forth. But I do not have to give my life to them. Perhaps faith is not the hill you choose to die on. Perhaps it is social justice, or politics or something else. By all means, fight that good fight however you see fit, and spend your energy and life on that hill. Choose not to die on other hills, and you may just find yourself with direction, meaning and purpose. We can only die on one hill, so which area of your life are you willing to spend every last ounce of energy on?
EXERCISE. This is actually a misleading heading, but one that has a deeper principle when I had reflected on it. Most of us know that exercise is an important part of our physical, emotional and mental health. I get that not everyone can exercise the same, but the point remains that movement (walking, stretching, yoga) is good for the body and mind. My exercise just so happens to be lifting weights and playing basketball. As I reflected on what exercise meant to me, I had to expand my original question from "why is exercise good" to "why is exercise good for me?" It turns out that the deeper principle of having a personal goal to work towards, and something to look forward to, gives me a sense of meaning and purpose. You are 40% less likely to suffer from symptoms of depression and anxiety when your life has a sense of meaning and purpose as compared to those that don't. Having something to look forward to each week or each day fosters that sense of meaning and purpose. I look forward to getting into the gym, to letting out some pent up aggression or blow off some steam on the court. I'd encourage you to find something that you can look forward to, like crafting, making music, reading that book you've always wanted to, or picking up that old hobby.
NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIPS AROUND ME. This requires mindfulness. I have chosen to intentionally put down my phone, and watch my third oldest son at his swim lessons. I have chosen to stop my homework in order to hang out with my older boys. I try to engage fully with my wife after the kids are in bed. I have tried hard to stay in touch with a group of friends that I have (guy's night is such a great thing). Intentionally nurturing the relationships around me has created a stable and safe place to come home to or to be around. Because it truly is a unique time in our lives. I have never lived during a pandemic, or witnessed some of the things going on in my own backyard. It truly is a stressful time in our lives, and these issues touch everyone, at some point, and in some fashion. On a side note, I recognize that there are people who are suffering more for being at home with abusive and sick people, and can't/shouldn't actually nurture that relationship. And my heart aches for these people. Hence my first point, and I do my absolute best for those that I come in contact with on a daily basis, either personally or professionally, but at the end of the day, I can't take them home with me (metaphorically speaking). Ever since going into the mental health field, I had chosen to adopt the mantra "I need to play just as hard as I work." Self-care is extremely important when it comes to providing services to those that are hurting, and my service level declines when I don't care for myself. So I get it, not everyone has great relationships in their life. But they have someone. There is that one person, the neighbor, the friend, the relative, whose relationship can be nurtured. I choose to nurture the relationships around me, to continue to provide me a safe, stable and welcoming environment.
REMEMBER THAT IT'S A MARATHON. And running a marathon is all about pace. Pacing myself looks like slowing down the amount of social media I consume. Watching how much I choose to "go down the rabbit hole" of news, politics and current events. Being aware of too much play time. We are more at risk of experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety the more we consume social media, and some recent studies are even suggesting that social media can actually cause an increase in depression and anxiety. Pacing myself is also about learning how to say no. This is a difficult skill to learn when you are a passive person by nature. But saying no and learning to manage the potential guilt that follows after is such a freeing practice. Life is rarely a sprint, and usually when we are sprinting, it's because of a crisis. I submit that even in crisis, I believe you can pace yourself. Find balance, slow down, breathe, and take your time. Very little in our life is truly an emergency, so it is ok to put down your problems, even for a few minutes, and slow down. Sprinting too much during a marathon has a higher chance of preventing you from crossing the finish line and injuring you than pacing yourself and getting there on your own time.
There are certainly other lessons that I have learned to help me stay focused and be patient. Again, I am only offering some of the things that have worked for me; take what you like, leave what you don't and no matter what you do, choose to take care of you and yours, because there is only one of you!
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