FULL DISCLAIMER: This is not a how-to guide, so feel free to take what you like and leave what you don't!
Well, my loving husband has convinced me to write Part 2 of this blog. Blog writing is not my forte, but the statistics he provided in part 1 are all too real, as I don’t have to look far in my own life to know of a marriage ending or struggling to stay afloat. In my own marriage we have (and still sometimes do) really wished we had some of those little arm floaties to help us float on through, even for just a moment. Unfortunately, we are adults, and those little plastic arm floaties aren’t meant for us. We have to keep treading- no matter how tired we are.
BUT, there is a bright side! When we fight through—there is that wonderful beach at the end! A place to find some rest and peace. That “peace” for me in our marriage, is trust. Every storm we get through, and make it to the beach to take a little breath together, builds that trust. And thankfully, that peace gets calmer each time. And wow- does that feel good! However, even at our peaceful beach- there are still hot rays and sunburns to harm us, so there is still some work and effort needed between the storms. To keep along with my husband’s format, I’ll give you 4 of the principals that I have learned along the way, and repeat routinely, when Amazon lets me down and I can’t just buy some arm floaties for a few dollars…
1. IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK. As mentioned above, we’ve certainly been there and I know many more marriages that are treading through a storm right now. And it’s ok. It is normal. Marriage is not pretty, easy, nor always fun. Marriage is work. I truly think the more we would acknowledge this, the better off we would all be. So often we feel like we are sinking alone, when in reality, all of us married couples are just riding the most popular marriage rollercoaster: the cars are fully loaded (they don’t care about COVID-19 by the way), with a long line of couples about to get on, and some couples getting off. But again, this is the most popular rollercoaster, so even if you didn’t really enjoy your first ride and don’t want to ride again…something or someone is bound to make you ride that coaster at least a few times! We all take different routes and different paces, but we likely find ourselves back in line for that coaster again at some point. It may feel uncomfortable and nauseating while on it, but the rush at the end, and the pride in the success for conquering this ride makes it all worth it!
That trust I mentioned early, really helps in the rollercoaster riding times. One of the best pieces of advice we took during the storm that was our miscarriage was to not worry about each other for some time. This time was defined and agreed upon by both of us, and the end date was literally put into our calendar. We gave each other permission during this time to take a deep breath and just float. Just worry about keeping our own head above the water, not getting closer to shore, and not carrying one another. But we both had to have trust that we were floating separately, yet together, and would start swimming again, together, on our agreed upon date. While scary at times, we did this successfully. And making it through this storm built immense trust in our relationship, as that storm had the chance to “make us or break us.” It didn’t break us… and we have continued to be able to implement this skill with smaller storms, continuing to build trust each time. There is such peace in knowing that if today, or this week, we just don’t have the energy to fix us- it is ok to not be ok. We can both just take a breath and float, and we will come back together to continue the journey once we’ve gained a little more strength. Truthfully, we’ve been going through a huge storm the past several months, but due to the trust and peace we have built in our relationship, it is not even close to sinking or destroying us.
2. BELIEVE YOUR SPOUSE IS GOOD. I’ll assume that you very willingly chose to marry your spouse. I’m going to go out further on a limb, and also assume you married what you believed to be a good person. Of course, there are always exceptions- and situations in which it is best and safest to leave, but let’s focus on the norm. We all are different beings, have different needs and wants, and communicate differently. We are bound to miscommunicate or misunderstand things our spouse is saying/doing/needing/wanting. At my core, however, I choose to believe my spouse is good and well-intended, and does not want to hurt me. When he says or does something that FEELS hurtful or unsupportive, I remind myself “He is good. He is not trying to hurt/offend me.” I am then able to step back for a moment and think, “what might he be trying to do or say?” Now, that doesn’t always equate to happiness, or bliss. I may still feel frustrated or annoyed with what he does or says, but reminding myself that he is inherently good takes away the anger and opens up the door for clearer communication.
3. MARRIAGE IS A TREASURE. Our pastor preached this theme at our wedding, and it has stuck with me. We all want treasure. But not many of us are treasure hunters. Why? Because treasure hunting is work! And lots of it! There is a lot of sacrifice that comes with treasuring hunting—relationships/time away from family, money, stress, fear, the list could go on and on. So why do it? Because the treasure is glorious! Marriage is the same. Nothing can equate to having a partner in crime for life no matter the ups and downs, someone with whom to raise your kids with and spoil your grandbabies, someone that you know will always have your back. But marriage is like treasure hunting; we have to put in the time, sacrifice, and effort to get that glorious prize! Which brings me to my final point...
4. I NEED TO PUT IN 100%. We've heard it before; if each spouse just put in 50/50, you’d have a 100% completely successful marriage. Math is my strong suit, but this is not math- it’s marriage. It takes two parties giving 100% to equal a whole and healthy marriage in this particular equation. Now, there are times we may need to carry the other a little more, and that’s ok (see #1: It’s ok to not be ok). But for me, keeping the mindset that my role in this marriage is to give 100% (and trusting that my spouse will also) helps keep me focused on what I’m responsible for in the marriage and not unnecessarily putting my weight on my spouse. So even when I’m only functioning at a strong 50%, I know that I won’t stay there forever. Or at least I hope my spouse would agree ;)
So here you have a it. A few of my mantras to help me not only survive, but hopefully continue to thrive, in my marriage.
留言