FULL DISCLAIMER: This is not a how-to guide, so feel free to take what you like and leave what you don't!
It is estimated that there is a divorce every 13 seconds in America. If that is true, that would mean there are 9 divorces by the time a couple recites their wedding vows. 1,385 divorces would occur during that same couple's wedding reception, give or take. Data shows that over a 40 year period, a whopping 67% of first-time marriages end in divorce, and the average length a first-time marriage lasts is about 8 years! If you or your spouse has had a divorce and are now on your second or third marriage, there is a 90% chance that your marriage will end in divorce, according to some data. COVID-19 has certainly complicated matters for married life, as domestic abuse is on the rise, as well as suicide and substance use.
We've all heard the adage, that marriage is work. And it absolutely is.
My wife has unfortunately married into the higher statistic, as I have been divorced before. We find ourselves at a critical juncture, as this year (of all years, 2020) marks our 8th year married together. Yet at this time in my life, it is with extreme confidence that I write this blog, because I believe our marriage is the strongest it has ever been. If I can be completely honest with you, I don't have all the answers as to how to make a relationship last. But I do know what destroys a marriage. For context, my previous wife had an affair and left me for that man. It would be so easy to say the story ended there, that I had every right to hold the big stick and to blame her. For everything.
One of the hardest things I have ever chosen to do was to look in the mirror and ask what my part of that failed relationship was. I went to counseling for an entire year, 3-4 times a month, to explore this very topic. What I learned about myself has proven to be invaluable. I decided to take this information into my next relationship, versus remaining angry at my ex-wife. From that journey to today, I humbly present to you 4 marriage principles that I do my best to live by on a daily basis.
MARRIAGE IS A DIRECTION, NOT A DESTINATION. We never really get there; I don't believe that I should say "we made it!" My relationship with my wife can ALWAYS improve. Let's pretend that you and I have a compass, and we are heading west. We will never actually 'get to west'; we can continue further west and never actually get to a 'final destination' of west. With my marriage, we can always move toward improvement, but never actually get to perfection. Perhaps we stop along the way as you and I go west, and enjoy some scenery, take in nature, but we can always continue to go west. I believe that if I ever choose to settle in one place, I can miss out on whole new opportunities to see and experience something wonderful! Marriage requires us to keep going, to never stop and to never settle.
LEARN TO BALANCE. "If someone is always winning, the other is always losing." Her health contributes to OUR health. I use this phrase with couples that I have counseled. I see this principle at play currently in my marriage with our individual self-care during this pandemic. If I am constantly taking time to unwind after we get off of work, she is constantly with the kids. If I choose to have activities throughout the week for fun, she remains with the chores. If I plan outings with the guys every weekend, she is left to manage the household. It is my responsibility to protect and encourage self-care for my wife, just as much as it is hers; in some instances it may be more my responsibility than hers!. I have to choose to be vigilant about her health and her free time as well, and I have strongly encouraged her to spend time with her friends or play volleyball. You can see this principle in arguing, parenting and disagreement; if I am forcing my will and my way on my wife and rarely or never choosing compromise, she loses her will and her way. I must be willing to concede at times. I must be willing to sacrifice, and to know when to take a back seat and when to push for something. Part of the work of marriage is to balance, and to be aware of that balance when it tips more toward your spouse. It is OUR responsibility is to return that balance to a working order.
COMMITMENT IS A BEHAVIOR. If commitment was based on emotion, we would all be divorced. Hollywood would have us believe that a strong commitment starts and ends with passion. Feelings. Emotions. Commitment is the action we take on a daily basis, to the oath we've made, when everything in our heart tells us to behave otherwise. Jill and I have had our marriage tested greatly. We are navigating blending a family. We are in the midst of a challenging period that is likely the subject of a different blog for a different day. We have challenging jobs. I have decided to go back to school to pursue a PhD, while raising 4 boys and working 2 jobs. One of the hardest times of our marriage was surviving a miscarriage. There was a period of 2-3 weeks where we didn't even talk to one another, and slept in different rooms. We grieved differently, and we grieved separately. After we healed and reconciled, we reflected on that time together. What came out of that conversation has been a mantra we have lived by since; we knew we made a commitment to each other, and we behaved that way. Even when we wanted to run. Even when we wanted someone else. We trusted each other even when it sucked. We acted out our commitment to one another and we trusted each other, even during the storm. ESPECIALLY during the storm. Commitment is not dependent on a feeling, and to live that way is a recipe for a doomed relationship.
FIGHTING IS A TEAM SPORT. Every couple argues. It is not a matter of 'if', but 'when.' I've heard too many times, "I know we will be good, we never fight!" Don't forget that if someone is always winning, the other is always losing. Perhaps you don't fight because your spouse is usually giving in, or conflict is too scary or painful to have, so you tend to avoid it. The work of a marriage is learning that your arguments are a part of a system, a system based on two people that don't absolutely see eye-to-eye on everything. Fights and arguments don't mean things are going bad; on the contrary, things are going as they should! Conflict is inevitable, and it pays dividends to learn how to manage and navigate conflict together. It is ok to see a counselor about how to fight. Most fights are usually about how to get your needs met in some way anyway! Learn to have difficult conversations, versus avoiding them. I have always found it ironic that within a marriage, people have difficulty expressing their needs to their spouse. Think about this phenomena for a second; you chose your spouse to live with for the rest of your life. You chose this person to be there during the hardest times of your life, to share the deepest parts of your life. Out of everyone on this earth, you chose them to have that one special role in your life. And they are the hardest person to talk to?! Learn to be open to disagreements, learn to be open to resolving them together. I challenge you to learn to fight within the context of team instead of in the context of enemy.
There were other principles to choose from, but these are a few that I elected to illuminate. I am not the perfect husband, and I am not married to the perfect wife, but we work hard at our marriage, and I believe that it shows in how deep our love and commitment is to one another. Our love blossoms as a result of this work. I have a connection I do not have with any other person in my life as a result. I have peace that comes from knowing that our relationship is solid, and she has my back like I have hers. Perhaps you wish you had a better marriage; take courage, it can happen! Often times, couples start slinging mud. After years of slinging mud, we forget who is underneath, and all we see then is the mud. It takes one brave soul to stop throwing mud, to approach the other and to start wiping it away. That's how relationships heal! Someone has to take that first step toward, instead of waiting for your partner to. Counselors can help, and you don't have to be "broken" or "bad" to see a counselor. Remember, marriage is a direction, and not a destination, so it may just be getting back on the right path and in the right direction! Be well, take care of yourself and take care of one another.
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