Digging Deep

I'm going to be honest up front; if you have been following my blogs at all, you might have noticed that the content is getting increasingly personal. Certainly life happens to us all, and counselors are not immune to the valleys of life that we all inevitably find ourselves in from time to time. The last few months have been a trying time in my life, and these blogs serve a few purposes for me: a creative outlet to express parts of my journey, an attempt to share knowledge about the experiences that I am going through (both good and bad), and to demonstrate how I use some of the same coping mechanisms that I offer to the clients that I work with.

Digging deep is a phrase you've likely heard before. This has been an idiom or a declaration that people often use to express an effort to find additional strength in any given moment, but typically in difficult moments. In fact, quite a few of the definitions I came across can be summed up in the following: digging deep is an expression used when someone is 'exerting an extra effort to find resources to finish a task or get through a challenging time'. I think of other idioms that are similar, like "mustering up the courage", "going the extra mile" or "finding the strength". The more that I reflected on this saying, the more I realized a few other nuances within this phrase. Digging deep is one of the ways to get at roots. Roots are the part of the plant that provides nourishment to the whole plant, even if it is only visible from the surface. Roots also serve as the anchor for the plant, like a tree being held firmly in place to help withstand the might of a storm. Finding strength requires one to dig deep, and this is not always a pleasant or easy task; digging deep takes work, commitment and faith. I have to believe that something will be there when I try to look for it.

As I mentioned before, I am currently going through a trying time in my life. The details here are not the purpose of this blog, but rather the process. I am having to dig deep, emotionally, cognitively, spiritually and some days even physically. I am a husband, a father, a small business owner, a clinician and a student. My family and I are busy! I have compounded the stress from these routine issues by having to navigate a few stressful circumstances lately. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have it figured out, I have not perfected my process, and yet I've had to dig deep.

The following are points that I believe are practical applications or concepts to help one learn how to do this.

It's not about increasing capacity, but managing capacity. Trust me, if I could increase my capacity to handle stress, I would have already. Some of us have deep reservoirs, while others might be a bit shallow. There is no shame in having a low bandwidth to handle stress, but the key is learning to accept what our limitations are and to learn to manage our capacity instead of trying to increase our capacity. I believe that increasing capacity to handle stress is a much more involved and intentional process, and can be difficult to do. One of the philosophies that I have in my practice is "why would we add more stress to an already stressful situation?", and this concept typically comes in to play when I am working with trauma. Conventional wisdom would suggest that in order to heal, we need to deal with our past, but I submit that adding to the current day stressors for someone dealing with trauma is understandably overwhelming and can actually be counterintuitive. I make the case to master managing your present day stress, anxiety and fear first, and then this skill set becomes an essential tool for visiting the darkness of the past. I suggest learning to manage the capacity you have during trying times, and this is a direct call for the importance of self-care on that journey. Managing capacity is learning how to recharge the batteries in order to handle the next wave of stress. Jack Kornfield, author of 'Buddha's Little Instruction Book" and trained Buddhist monk once said, "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Digging deep requires us to try to find brief periods of rest and compassion for self along the way. Mindfulness and being present is a difficult thing for us to do, considering our culture is one of individualism. "Suck it up buttercup", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", "fake it till you make it" or "grin and bear it" are all concepts we've been inundated with, and gives us this false pretense that we need to be strong on our own and that stopping to rest or learning to relax are signs of weakness. Relaxation is actually one of the hardest skills to learn, as we always seem to have something to deal with. Humans are not naturally mindful, and it takes intentionality and willingness to try and disconnect, unplug and recharge from our day-to-day. Recharging is one of the only ways to manage our existing capacity.

What tools are you using? The tools that are used to dig deep are extremely important. You need the right tool for the right job. I've put in a basketball hoop up at my house before, and I had to rent an auger from Ace. I started that task thinking that I could use a posthole digger from a previous home project, and quickly came to the realization that I would be digging forever due to the dense North Dakota clay just under the surface of my lawn. Sure, I could continue to expend large amounts of energy using the one tool that I had and might have eventually gotten the job done several months later. But the process of digging deep is an energy suck all on its own, so using one tool that is getting me very little progress is an inefficient use of the precious little resource I am having to use already. Many of us tend to use one certain tool when trying to get through stressful times; avoidance. This tool can be effective at times, so avoidance isn't necessarily a bad skill, but it certainly shouldn't be the only tool in the toolbox. During this difficult time, I have had to use several different tools to help me dig deep and survive the storm. Here is a list: I've prayed, I've sought the counsel of friends and family that I trust, I have started a process to find a counselor of my own, I have forced myself to look at these issues from different perspectives, I have been mindful, I have rested, I have examined my thought patterns, I have examined my irrational beliefs, I have soothed some of my difficult emotions, I have distracted or avoided things, I have practiced gratitude and I have allowed myself to cry at times. This list can go on and on, but the point is, I have attempted to increase the amount of tools in my toolbox to help me find strength to get through another day.

What values are guiding you? Digging deep also requires us to have some kind of idea of where we need to dig in the first place. My personal value system has been that guide to help me dig deep. In the process of finding strength, surviving the storm and uncovering additional resources, I have had to make some difficult decisions along the way. Having to make difficult decisions has the power to freeze the best of us. We often approach decision-making through a black-and-white perspective, and I am sure you have asked yourself at times "Am I making the right decision?" or have told yourself "I don't want to do the wrong thing". Your value system can be your guide! One of my values has been 'family first', and quite a few of my decisions have been made from holding this perspective in the forefront of my mind. Another great example of how I use values can be seen in my professional life; I have to adhere to a code of ethics that guides best practices as a counselor. Decision making, as a process, is a bit simpler when there is a set of values, a guideline or protocol of sorts. What is important to you? What makes life worth living for you? What do you protect before anything else? There will be times when some things need to be put on the shelf until you have the capacity to pick them back up and deal with them again (see the first point!), and understanding what your values are is a great place to start developing a protocol for decision-making.

Gratitude is extremely important. Gratitude is simply paying attention to the things that you do have now, and expressing thankfulness for them. It was easy for me to focus on the infinite different negative futures that I might potentially be faced with, which in reality, is anxiety's playground. Gratitude is a mindfulness practice that returns me to the present moment, and most of our present moments are actually quite peaceful, if we intentionally pay attention to them. Even though I am worried about paying my bills next month, the lights are on today. Even though prices for food continues to go up, I have food on the table today. Even though I don't like aging, I am healthy today.

"John, that can be tone deaf; there are those that don't have the privilege you do."

I recognize that counter, and I work with people that have unimaginable circumstances that they have to fight on a daily basis. I recognize that there are times that we truly are in crisis, and gratitude seems futile and pointless when some of us are in danger. And it is as equally as important to try and practice gratitude at those times! This goes back to choosing the right tool for the task at hand; gratitude is not a crisis intervention strategy, and would be foolish to use at a time of immediate crisis. But this doesn't change the fact that we can all be grateful for something in any given moment. I understand that gratitude can be hard to practice when we feel overwhelmed, or dealing with chronic issues or have found ourselves in bad or unpleasant situations. Digging deep, much like practicing gratitude during a storm, requires an exertion of energy. But both are worth the end result!

I hope this blog has inspired hope and resolve in you. I recognize that everyone digs deep in different ways, and sharing this knowledge with one another is an important way to support each other. Feel free to leave a comment on ways you dig deep, or you have found that extra resource to help you get through the storms in life.