Buried Alive

One of my worst fears is being buried alive. Ironically, I am not claustrophobic, but the thought of slowly suffocating to death and not being able to move is terrifying to me. Dr. Ron Siegel, a psychologist known for his work with trauma, made a comment in a video transcript that struck me; he quoted a patient of his saying, "If you bury your feelings, you bury them alive." He went on to continue discussing the power and healing of doing things along with your anxiety and fear, rather that trying to do things without anxiety and fear. After sitting with that comment for some time, an interesting thought exercise occurred to me and a wonderful analogy for emotion work emerged.

What if you were buried alive? What would you be doing in a situation like that? If you are anything like me, you would be screaming, panicking, and trying to break free or claw your way out until one of two things happened; you emerged victorious or until the terrifying and bitter end of your life. There is no in-between. I would be banging and pushing and hitting and scratching until the flesh is raw and rugged on my hands. I don't think I would give up until one of the previous mentioned scenarios occurred. I am getting out, or will die trying. It is unimaginable for anyone to be in a position like this, lay back peacefully and say something like, "huh, well isn't this just a pickle. I think I'll just wait here calmly until someone finds me." One of the misconceptions in life is to think that stuffing our emotions is a sign of strength. As gently as I can break it to you, it is not. It's not necessarily a sign of weakness either. It is simply avoidance. Allow me to offer this perspective to help illustrate how burying emotions is neither strength nor weakness. Learning how to deal with anxiety, fear, sadness, grief, disgust, shame and embarrassment (essentially all of our uncomfortable feelings) takes tools. There are different tools for these different emotions. Burying our feelings can look like a lot of things, but it is still one tool in the tool box; burying our feelings can look like "stoicism", substance use, avoidance of emotional situations, not talking about important things, not asking for help, staying busy and even playing the victim. It's all one tool, and that tool works in very limited circumstances, and is not recommended for every circumstance life throws at us. A diesel mechanic with only one tool in the tool box is neither strong nor weak, but rather ill equipped. It may be time to add more tools to the tool box. Learning to broach difficult subjects, sit with our tough feelings, manage some of our painful emotions, practicing mindfulness, engaging in spirituality, processing through issues or reframing our thinking are examples of other tools we can use to deal with our feelings. The more tools you have in your tool box, the more robust your management of life's stressors and problems you will have.

Burying emotions is literally hazardous to our health, but our culture seems to think otherwise. Our culture seems to think that burying our emotions is a show of power. Let's return to the analogy. When we bury our emotions, they do not like it. The surface might seem calm, cool and collected. The surface might look peaceful, but there is turmoil below. Those feelings are clawing, scratching, and screaming to get out. They are on a mission to return to the surface, and the exit from the depths will likely be violent and messy the longer something has been buried. If I am buried alive, I am not neatly placing piles of dirt to the side, I am bursting out of my tomb and up to the surface. Emotions are the same. They can come out in messy ways, like sarcasm, anger, physical, emotional or sexual aggression, substance use, blaming others, and even self-harm. We may even try to bury those emotions again. And in doing so, we could be at danger of losing ourselves. If I am forcing something back down, and stuffing it once again, I am doing so with the intention that it cannot get out again. Successfully buried things die. And dead things rot. Dead things smell, and dead things contaminate their surroundings. Bury those feelings for too long, and the emotions may just die and rot deep inside you.

There is hope though. In my previous blog, I spoke of acceptance as a remedy for pain and suffering. Acceptance of your emotions can be another tool in the tool box. All of the uncomfortable feelings that we have, we can learn to allow them to be there, to look at them, and to soothe them in healthy ways. We can learn to take these emotions with us, and have them alongside us while we do things. Emotions don't last forever. Talking about difficult things won't end the world. Being open to our emotional pain doesn't mean we have to live in our emotional pain. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but another tool in the tool box. As the wizard in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz said to the Cowardly Lion, "There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid...". One of the hardest thinking errors I have to work with is when a person believes that they can only do things without their fear or anxiety.

"I could go to that party if I wasn't so afraid."

"I can't take this test when I am so anxious!"

"How can I succeed if I think I am going to fail?"

The truth of the matter is, we can take our feelings along with us in some of those circumstances. We don't have to wait until there is no fear, but rather, we can learn to conquer our fear, anxiety, shame, sadness by doing things with those feelings. Don't continue to bury your feelings. Emotions are of the nature to fight being buried, and to return to the surface. Please reach out to people you trust, and relationships that can handle intense emotions. We all have safe and secure relationships if we truly think about it, and leaning on others can be a vital tool when learning to manage your feelings.