What is your favorite kind of cookie? Mine is double chocolate chip, or a mint chocolate kind. For a moment, I want you to visualize yourself making your favorite kind of cookie. Imagine your excitement about the final product. Maybe you like them warm and a little gooey, or maybe you like them right in between crispy and chewy. Imagine yourself enjoying this cookie with a frosty glass of milk, or with a side of your favorite ice cream. Hungry yet?
What is the process to make this cookie? You have the dough, you have the cookie sheet, maybe you prefer wax paper or a little bit of spray. You have your oven and most importantly, you have your appetite. Imagine with me for a second that you eagerly position the globs of dough on the cookie sheet, you set a timer for 7-8 minutes, you lick your lips in anticipation of the deliciousness that will soon enter your stomach, and the aroma that will soon fill the kitchen. Imagine with me for a second that you set the oven to 550 degrees and you put the sheet with the cookie dough in.
Yes you read that right, 550 degrees.
Even those of us that don't bake knows what's going to happen to that batch of cookies; they are going to burn. Now imagine with me your reaction. You take out the sheet, you see the charred disks that can crack a windshield and wonder to yourself how this could have possibly happened. The ingredients are correct. You really REALLY wanted those cookies, so certainly the desire was there. Begrudgingly, you toss the toasted coasters into the garbage and start over. So you grab another cookie sheet, you meticulously place the globs of dough 1-2 inches apart from each other, you set the timer for 7-8 minutes, you close your eyes and wish harder this time for the delicious cookies to turn out right, set the oven for 550 degrees and try again.
I am hoping you have a reaction to this analogy. Perhaps you wrinkled your brow in puzzlement as to why anyone would try this again. Or maybe there is a little frustration or irritation at how silly someone can be to do the same thing over again...and expect a different result. I often use this analogy in my sessions. Sometimes people have all the right ingredients, sometimes people have the right set of circumstances or the right attitude, and sometimes people really, REALLY want the end result badly, only to look back on it and say "where did this all go wrong?" It turns out, your process was bad; not you!
So what does it look like to have the right "ingredients" but have a bad "process"? I offer you an example from my own life. As the father of 4 boys, I have come to realize that each of my children is uniquely different from one another. A 'one size fits all' approach to parenting will not work. I have to parent my 13 year old much differently than my 11 year old, and much differently than my 4 year old; though the jury is still out on my 2 year old! Remaining rigid to a single parenting style may not meet the needs of all of my children. One of my sons responds well to natural consequences, while another has ADHD and legitimately struggles with the concepts of natural consequences. I have to parent him with his unique challenges in mind. If I stick to the one process of natural consequences, my other son will not only struggle with the frustrations that inherently come with ADHD, but will also struggle with strained attachment to me. It all boils down to this:
Having a bad process doesn't make me a bad person.
It's too easy to take a bad process and internalize that. Fill in the blank with whatever role you play; I can have a bad process and still be a good employee. I can have a bad process and still be a good spouse. I can have a bad process and still be a good friend. Neighbor. Child. The list can go on and on. Having a bad process doesn't mean I am a bad baker! I just need to change something in the process, and I will have a much better outcome, like the double chocolate chip cookies I wanted so badly. Ultimately, be kind to yourself. Sometimes we need to look at how we do things, and recognize that we need to change a part of our process, which doesn't make us a bad person. It just means that the process was bad!
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