Dealing With the Inner Critic

Everyone has an inner critic. For some of us, this inner critic is helpful, and gives us perspective on where we can improve. For many others though, this inner critic is rude, demeaning and sometimes downright nasty. A lot of people are debilitated by their inner critic, and heeding this voice leads to low self-esteem, poor sense of self and a lowered sense of worth. Depression and anxiety symptoms are usually associated with a nasty inner critic, and some people suffer for decades from the jabs and assaults of the inner critic. This 'voice' can be difficult to silence. Often times this 'voice' is a mental replica of our father or mother, some authority figure, our culture or societal expectations, or even another loved one in our life.

Many individuals I work with come to services to learn to escape the inner critic, or to learn to shut it off. These goals aren't bad ones; therapy can help with negative thought patterns or cognitive distortions. Banishing the inner critic can be difficult for people, so I'd like to offer another perspective here for dealing with this pattern of thoughts.

What if I were to tell you that the inner critic is not necessarily a voice of evil or harm in your life? When we externalize the issue here, it would be easy - and very understandable - to label our intense criticism of self as destructive, and meant for harm. Often times, we tell ourselves things that we would never tell another human:

"You are going to fail."

"Why are you even trying?"

"You are not good enough."

"Everyone is depending on you, so you can't mess this up."

If you are like me, hearing these voices can be constant and deafening at times. Working with the inner critic is difficult; therapists will use conventional talk-therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help people learn skills to confront and challenge these voices. Sometimes in therapy, individuals will try to find out where these voices came from, or learn to identify the people that have contributed to the creation of these voices. This work is difficult, because challenging a critic requires us to think creatively at times, and often requires us to practice saying something to ourselves we might not necessarily believe. But what if we apply a simple reframe to this voice? What if the voice is not meant to harm or belittle, but what if this voice was meant to protect?! Here is where I have tried to get creative, and to offer another way to interact with this voice.

Let's imagine that the inner critic is just a part of us, sitting at an inner table with other voices that attempt to govern and guide our life (think of the movie Inside Out, but more cognitive roles and less emotional roles). These voices are constantly trying to help us manage our day-to-day stressors, or trying to help guide us through complex issues or problems in our life. All too often, that critical voice tends to be the loudest one at the table. Some of the other voices at the table, like the voice of reason or the voice of compassion, are not as loud in our minds.

Ask yourself a serious question at this point; do you truly believe that the critical voice in your mind is coming from a place of evil intent or looking to harm you? If the answer truly is yes, learning to banish that voice from your life is extremely important work. But what if the answer is no? What if we can learn to lean in and embrace this voice, instead of trying to ignore it or fighting it? What if this voice is truly trying to help or protect us, but the delivery of that message is rough? I do this all the time with my kids! I love them so much, and I work hard at being a good dad, and sometimes that comes across as harsh or cold (like when I have to discipline or teach them)...there have been plenty of times in my life where I've had to apologize to my kids for the delivery of the message but not the content of it. Is it possible that this critical voice may mean well for us, but could definitely use a softer tone? If that could be true, perhaps the next great question may be "what is this voice trying to protect me from?!"

Let's tackle one of the earlier questions from the critical voice here; 'You are not good enough'. That is a harsh statement! It's easy to feel defeated here, easy to want to walk away, or easy to succumb to this claim and follow a negative train of thought here. But leaning into this comment from the critical voice might get you to see an alternative perspective; this voice wants you to be good at what you are doing! The content of this message is coming from a place of protection, but the delivery is terrible. Let's take another one; 'why bother trying?' It's plausible that the inner critic is still trying to protect you from something, and that something might be the sense of rejection. Rejection is a painful feeling. In fact, did you know that when a human feels rejected, that signal in the brain is interpreted through the exact same channel as physical pain. To the brain, being rejected feels like you just cut your arm. I believe that critical voice is very protective of us at times, as no one likes to feel rejected. That critical voice might be trying to help us avoid the chance of rejection, in the event we were to make some mistakes or mess something up. Again, the intent might be great, but the delivery is terrible.

If we can learn to embrace our critic (different story if the critic is truly evil and destructive), then how do we avoid only listening to that voice? For some, that voice is so loud! If we are learning to embrace our inner critic, the answer is not necessarily dismissing that voice from the table, but learning to elevate the other voices at that table. Elevating other voices might sound like a difficult task, but here is where you can tap into the wisdom that is already inside of you. Imagine that another person is telling someone you love the things you are telling yourself. Would you agree with what is being said to your loved one? What would you say to your loved one? What would you say to that person? Chances are, you wouldn't agree with what is being said. Chances are, the answer is much different from what you are telling yourself.

"But John, I am different. What I would say to my loved one is accurate, but I don't feel that same way about myself." I highly doubt your loved ones would agree with what you tell yourself! Here is where change occurs; rehearsing these other voices is learning how to elevate these other voices.

Here is another technique to try; think of the wisest person you know. When you are listening to the inner critic, and you realize you have an opportunity to elevate another voice, what would this wise person say in response to the critic? Then think of the most compassionate person you know, the kindest person you know, so on and so forth, and expand your list of other voices that could be at the table. Suddenly, you have an abundance of other perspectives, voices and ideas to incorporate in your mind, and this is another way to elevate other voices at the table. Run these mental interactions with a person you trust, and give yourself permission to absorb what they say about the critical voice you have of yourself.

Changing our thought patterns takes time and effort, but is well worth it and the only way out of staying stuck with your inner critic. Engaging with a new perspective on your inner critic, and practicing some new and positive ways of thinking are avenues of change, if you are looking to get some relief from the negativity, I hope this perspective was helpful for you, and another way to help bring some mental peace in your life.