Before it's too late...

There is an alarming trend in my marriage work that I have noticed in the past year or so, and I have felt the need to share about it recently. Roughly 25% of the couple's that I have been working with have decided to divorce; this trend is consistent with findings from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, which found that 3/4 of couples report an improvement in their relationship with their partner after receiving marriage therapy. While it is good news that roughly 75% of clients benefit from marriage therapy, 25% is still a lot of individuals and relationships that may be potentially suffering. The number of couples that are struggling may likely be even larger, as the research findings included only couples that are actively in or have completed marriage therapy.

Of the couples that come to me that have ended up separating or divorcing, the most tragic thing about these cases is that they are coming in too late. Relationships in this state often have a high level of contempt for one another. Contempt is present when one partner despises, or even hates, who their partner is. Contempt is a sentiment in a relationship that is extremely difficult to resolve and heal from, but it is possible. It requires a lot of hard work, intentionality, accountabiltiy and forgiveness. Both partners need to be radically committed to this process; it cannot be resolved by one partner alone. Don't get me wrong here; I do my absolute best to help the couples I see improve their relationship, but the unfortunate truth is that some couples just don't make it. My heart breaks for these couples. A separation or a divorce is hard on an individual, hard on the couple, and even harder on the kids (if the couple has any). I should know, I have suffered from a divorce from my older boys' mother; I have seen first hand the destruction a divorce causes in my own wellbeing, and certainly in the emotional and mental health of my children.

This isn't going to be one of my longer blogs, because the message in this one should be short, simple and to the point...if you are reading this and you believe your marriage is in trouble, please reach out to someone. This could be your spiritual leader, a counselor, or friends that are willing to listen to you, but please reach out to someone before it's too late.

Resentment is another sentiment that virtually all marriages will encounter at some point, and is a natural feeling to experience in a deep and committed relationship. I bring up resentment as being natural for one very specific reason; you are not alone if you are experiencing resentment in your relationship! Resentment is a bitterness or a sense of anger that tends to build over time, and comes from a feeling or a thought that something in your relationship is unequal (like chores or responsibilities, or how you and your partner spend money), being treated unfairly, feeling unappreciated, or living together with broken promises. Resentment occurs from poor communication, unmet needs in the relationship, withdrawal, and resentment eventually erodes intimacy with your partner. The most common areas in a relationship that cause resentment are finances, division of household chores/responsibilities, child-rearing philosophy and differences in sex drive. These topics can be very difficult to talk about within the marriage, and individuals may give up when trying to approach their partners about their concerns, especially when partners are consistently met with irritability, hostility, deflection or avoidance.

Marriage counseling can help you understand your partner. Marriage counseling can help bridge gaps in communication, can help build and restore openness, trust and intimacy in your relationship with your partner, and can revitalize a friendship. Marriage counseling can help identify and work through the areas of resentment that inevitably creep into a relationship. Marriage is hard work! We are talking about a unique and sacred relationship between two individuals that have decided to choose each other for life. This is not an easy relationship to manage or to navigate at times, especially when life seems to blow up in general. It is ok to struggle with communicating, it is ok to struggle with your relationship and it is ok to ask for help.

I'd like to offer some insights based on my work with couples as a therapist in practice for over 2 decades.

Sir, please listen to your partner. Ask yourself, "Did I marry a good person?" Most of the time, the answer is yes! If it is true that you married a good person, then please try to shift your perspective on the 'nagging' from your partner...because I married this good person, what is this good person trying to communicate to me? What is this good person trying to help us accomplish for our life together? Sir, please understand that there is more to building a life together than just working and bringing money home. A home needs the family living in it to work together to keep it clean, to keep it warm and to keep it welcoming. Your relationship needs you to be present!

Ma'am, please consider offering respect to your spouse. Research shows that difficult topics are often brought up by the wife in a relationship 85% of the time, and that same research also shows that how these topics are brought up can make or break the conversation. How you start a conversation (within the first 30 seconds) can dictate how that conversation goes, and starting gently versus critically might be the missing piece in creating an atmosphere for that important conversation to be had. One survey showed that men typically crave respect from their partner more than they crave love (though I will confidently speak for men that we certainly crave both!).

I am not trying to make over-generalizations or over-simplify these issues, as each couple and the dynamics between them are very different!

Perhaps this blog has touched you, and gotten you to think about the status of your marriage or relationship. Please reach out to a professional. Speak to your loved ones. Seek help. Act before it's too late! There are physiological benefits to having healthy relationships in your life; healthy and life giving relationships are associated with better heart functioning, improved immune system functioning, improved mental and emotional wellbeing and may even increase life expectancy! You, your partner and your relationship are absolutely worth the effort!